Saturday, April 18, 2009
eh freak la. walao eh. damn pissed this morning la. walao walao walao eh. freaking hell. shucks la. stupid. darn it. not my fault rite. come up jiu scold scold scold. then ony direct to me. as if all my fault like that. shucks la. if i hav wrong is onli that i trusted her and didnt double check la. freaking hell. like that oso scold. and scold for sth i did not do. u jus encouraging me not to trust her rite. i oredi very good to her liao hor. freaking hell. i reach i see everyone there of cos i join in rite. and then she was there and they were there and they were all practising. then wad i do. ignore them and walk up. wad if they were really supposed to be there. then i would be wrong if i walk away rite. thats why i join them ma. freaking. i tot is lyk they were told to go there to practise so i join wad. walao eh. as soon as i noe not supposed to be there i oredi ask all of them to go up liao wad. they still wanted to continue de lorh. i ask them go up then i step into the hall first with them behind then u see me start scolding. hell la. as if i ask them to go down and not listen to u lyk tt. walao eh. u biased to ur damn freaking girl or wad. when they were there she was the one in charge ok b4 me and em reach. and if she was there, it means that it is her mistake that she did not stop them from continuing, did not move them up. or perhaps rite from the start is she ask all of them go there practise de lorh. then keep scolding me for wad. i noe i got wrong la, my wrong is tt i so damn stupidly believe and trusted her that she was leading them as told by teachers to practise there. ok. i noe my mistake. i wun do that again ok. and pls dun anyhow scold ppl can. i was leading them up as quickly as possible. and then wad. u see me at the front u tot is i ask them go down practise then i noe shld not be then so lead them up de ha. walao eh. ppl explain to u then u listen la. i explain say when i see them and HER there then i tot they were told by a teacher, maybe u or the other one, tt they are supposed to practise there, so i jus joined them and didnt double check. then wad u say harh. "NO!" then i try to explain more then wad u say. "how many ppl heard me ytd then we shld meet here. why are u all downstairs" and then stupid la. u say say say to them then look at me. as if i was the one tt lead them to all the mistake and i owe u an explanation lyk tt. freak la. u see ur own tone la. how u treat ur students. ppl explaining then u jus anyhow say. no matter how angry oso mus listen rite. or dun say sth so bad la. walao eh. at least say sth lyk "really? so u mean when u reach they were there practising already? no i did not ask them to. so ***** was there? why didnt she ask them to come up". at least sth lyk tt rite. wad. protecting ur baby girl ah. walao eh. freak la. she nvr even do anything then keep opposing us. keep breaking rules. as if very pro lyk tt. as if superior to others lyk tt. ppl giving instructions then at one side talk talk make noise laugh laugh. wa lao eh. i nvr turn ard say "eh can u pls keep quiet and sit down and listen to the instructions. u are the **, shld noe this better than the rest rite. u shld be the one giving a good example rite." oredi very good liao hor. giv u so much face still dunno. freak la. and u are also a member wad. same as them. no exceptions. why are u at the back talking. i let u stand there oredi close one eye liao hor. i could jus ask u to sit down with them right from the start and then they will see u being reprimanded. everytym practising oso lyk tink u so good then stand far far away so near to. ohwell. nvm. is u ownself draw the dividing line btw u and us de ok. so if ppl dun lyk u is not their fault. cos is u make de. sometimes i dunno if bcos of the ppl ard me i am biased against u, or is the thoughts cos of my own feelings without other influences. i hav always tried to clear all the other thoughts and views of other ppl on my mind and see u from ur point of view, trying to understand ur every action. budden, even if i do that, i still have many unknowns on ur behaviour, and i would have the same thoughts. i tell myself tt i shld try more, tt u might hav a reason, tt if so i shld not be blaming u, tt no one would genuin;ely wan ppl to hate them. but. no matter how hard i try. i still cant get the ans. u noe there's this thing that goes: if u tell urself repeatedly, many many times, that u shld not love this person and that u shld stop, it jus means that u ARE oredi, currently, presently, in love with this person, and most probably cant stop anytime soon. i tink it can apply here to. if i'm trying very hard for myself to find a reason for ur weird doings, it jus means tt, there is no reason for them. ohwell, heck la. freak. i shall jus forget abt this morn's thing. but freak la damn pissed. totally injustice. damn la. walao eh. i hate ppl who accuse me of sth i didnt do ok. freak. i will freakingly learn from my mistake and do not trust her so easily. ohwait i mean. do not trust her anymore. so perhaps u shld learn from ur mistake and listen to ppl when they are explaining things. ok? thanks. thats it.
oops. ok. i'm sry. it jus. bursted out. i couldnt control. ohwell. erms. anyway i went to bathe. then i come back. then i reread the post. then i type this. aiya. ignore all that. maybe they dun rly noe tt wad they did affected ppl alot. ohwell. and i noe i'm wrong to write that. sorry, the both of u. firstly, u might be rly angry and did not rly heard wad i say so u ignored me. sorry for writing that and not respecting u. sorry for causing the delay. i shld have known that i shld check. and i shldnt blame on her. sorry. but. i jus wanna lat u noe that. ur response in the morning really upset me. i, really did not expect this kind of accusation. for the previous time abt the dress code, yes, i noe i could have done better but. u shld not have said tt la. sometimes, i dunno if it is on purpose or u jus dunno how much words can hurt, but wad u say sometimes are too harsh. and, today, i rly rly did not do anything gravely wrong. u shld not have looked at me lyk tt, and talked and accused me lyk tt. for this part, i do not feel that i did anything wrong. my conscience is clear that i did not lead them down, i did not ask them to continue, i did not purposely disobey ur orders. i did nth of these wrong. so for this i dun feel any sorry or guilt. but yes, i noe tt i could have done better by checking. so for this, i am really sorry. so yes, i have admitted wad i have done wrong, and maybe u shld too. u shld, rly, listen. ohwell maybe its cos today too rush and u misunderstood tt i did all those? from now on, pls listen to all of us okay? oh then, er, HER. ok to u, erm. i'm sorry tt i said so much bad things abt u here. i apologise for all the unglam words hurled at u in the post. but, my thoughts are true and honest. sometimes, i think tt u isolate urself from us, and then u tink tt u are above us, and can do ur own thing, and ignorant abt all the others. and, i am really honest that i have repeatedly tried to understand what u are doing. but. i cant. i tink i noe wad to do. i rly wanna help u, and help myself too. i wan to help u to bcum a better person, one that less ppl dun lyk. i wan to help u to understand wad ppl tink of u, and i wan to understand why u did those. i wan to help u to bcum someone that all like and welcome. and then. in the meantime. i would be helping the ppl. i would help them to reduce the dislike i would help them to change an enemy to a fren. i would help them to accept ppl and unite us. also. i would be helping myself. i would help myself to get rid of the burden thats weighing me down bit by bit and i'm jus inches of the surface. i would help myself to get rid of the unknowns abt u in my mind. i would help myself to start to understand u, to accept u, to like u, to trust u, to treat u jus lyk everyone else. but. firslty. very very importantly. will u listen to me? maybe not like for the deep conversations or wad la but. will u listen? so far whnvr there's sth to decide or we hav some views, u hav always been opposing. for once, seriously, for ur sake, for my sake, for their sake, will u listen? will u think abt it carefully? will u agree? ppl who can speak, mus first know how to listen. u can speak very well, but, i dun see the listening part of u. i hav been keeping quite low and observing all of us through these months, and, i really have some things that i wan to tell u. but. ohwell. yea. i hope u can listen... ...
